Storms in life: How I am getting through mine.

My church has been doing a series on Storms. Why does God allow bad things to happen in our lives?  This series has given me a lot of perspective. For the last 2 and half years, I have felt like I have been on my death bed. I have barely survived.

Many times when I was laying in bed unable to move and in unbearable pain I would ask God why? I would beg and plee with him to take this from my life. To take away the pain and the disability and I promise I will live life differently- never to take my health for granted again. I would ask him for a way out. I would tell God in my prayers I feel like I can't go on any longer and if He wouldn't take my pain could he possibly take my life. I prayed that if he did he would provide a wife and mom to my husband and baby girl that could love them more then me and be a wife/mom better then I could.

As scary as it is to admit this: maybe this can give you a sense of the excursating pain I have lived with day in and day out for the last few years. I love my family more then anything but it killed me to have them carry this burden and having to take care of me. I was completely at their mercy, I wouldn't have ate many days if they were not there to make and bring me food and even feed me at times.

This storm of my life is not over. I am doing much better with medication more recently. But I never know when this medication will stop working just as the last did. Our bodies build up antibodies over time and can cause the medication to become ineffective. I still live with pain like a broken foot and shoulder on a daily basis but my hands and legs are 90% more functional then they were this time last year.

So why does God send storms?  I would ponder over what I have done wrong in my life- asking forgiveness and wishing to take back anything I may have said or done that would cause this punishment on me. But as my pastor says: God allows storms to reveal the real me.

Throughout this journey: I have searched for healing in prayer, meds, holistic approaches and more. I have spent more money on myself then I ever would have healthy. Just to "try" something out-like a juicing, laser light treatments, water treatments, acupunture/acupressure, detox wraps, several diets, nutrionalist, N.A.E.T, red and white light treatments, natropath, colonics, infrared suanas, essential oils, healing rooms of claremont, healing rooms at water of life, annointing of oil by my pastor and elders, vitamins/supplements and more.

I have learned more about the real me. I don't try the first thing people suggest, I don't do things anymore because my best friend did it and loved it. I am figuring out whats right for me. What's important to me. Here's what is: my family and friends, my faith, my health. To live the life that I was destined to live not to live my own way. I want to be used and make a difference.

Before this journey I knew this in the back of my mind. But I still placed value on the things this world and society does. Not deciding these values for myself.

God sends storms to get our attention: If I didn't have this storm I wouldn't turn to God as much, I wouldn't search so much, I wouldn't pray so much. I wouldn't try and figure out WHY? I would just go through each day as I did the one before.

One thing I have wanted an answer to this whole time is WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG?

But recently I read some of the book of Job in the bible and I cried my eyes out while I was reading.

Job was a good guy with good health and wealth, he lived a life that was good and pleased God. But when God and Satan were talking Satan said the only reason he is so great and loves God is because he blesses him. So in order for God to show Satan he was a good guy anyway God allowed Satan to take away all his possiessions and eventually his health as well.  When this happened Job pleaded with God. This is the part where I was crying as I read because I understand how Job felt. I have said some of the same things he said to God wanting out of this misery. But reading this allowed me to know I didn't necessarily do anything wrong. But this is still being allowed in my life.

The people who love me have suffered watching me suffer. And its all for a reason. I am still in the storm but the gushing wind, hurriance has settled a little and it is only raining now. I kept asking God how can I make a difference or live differently if I can't even live - im just stuck in my bed. Well, now I'm not stuck in bed but I am still trying to figure out my purpose. In the mean time I have felt the push to be more giving. I am in need of many things I know will help my health but they have a lot of financial cost but I am being asked to give. So I have listened in a small way. When I have been approched by homeless the last few weeks I have gave. I prayed for the man next to me at my last infusion as he was in turmoil over his last cancer news. I have always felt these inclinations but haven't really acted on them and now I am becuase I am being more of the REAL ME.

More to come on the storm next blog! :)

Let me know what you would like me to write about- meals I can eat, products I use, my diganosis, medications I take, supplements I take, what contributed to my 20 pounds weight loss, what other things I want to do in the future to better my health, the cost of trying to get healthy, the cost of being unhealthy, etc.


Here's a few fun pics from the weekend: