Winter 2012-2013 continued...

I want to get everything precisely accurate. In the winter 2012-2013 things did begin to decline more but after looking back on old videos and photos I was able to do a lot more then I realized. I know things were declining because: 1. I couldn't work as often taking sub jobs 2. I had to make modifications to my coaching techniques 3.I began having a plan B for every situation in case I wasn't feeling well/in chronic pain.

But I was still able to dance silly with Makenna and go to the park with her. I could still jog and help my daughter with soccer and softball. This started changing about mid February 2013. My church started a series called fit in January 2013, where we were challenged to get physically, spiritually and emotionally fit. I would go walking and/or jogging at least 3 times a week minimum of one mile. My knees and feet would kill to get going and hurt more the next day as well. I was determined though, I figured the pain wasn't  going away so I either had to endure it or become unfit and I was too afaird of that.

Here's a photo of me around this time. My hashtags let in that it was a struggle and I was suffering with pain. I wanted to eat then and I want to eat now but food terrifys me. The more educated I have become with everything that is in modern America diet I am scared to eat anything, not only that but My joints inflame more and the pain increases when I put certain food in my body. It may not even be what is considered " bad" food in fact a lot of " good " foods are known to cause problems for RA ie: nightshade vegetables, bananas, grapes and oranges because they are high in natural sugar and the list goes on. 

In February is when I realized things are not going to change unless I figure out something different. This is when my search for healing began. This is also the first time I took a video of myself so I could look back and remember the areas of pain and the level of pain and see if it improves or gets worse. Modern medicine treats your symptoms but does not heal your body in fact it cause a lot of other problems and damages your liver as well as other organs. My search for holistic healing begins. 

Winter 2012-2013

This is when things starting declining a little more, although you cant tell from the pics, I did a pretty good job of hiding how I felt ( and still do). I was on meds but they weren't working as well as before, I was too scared to begin methotrexate even tho that is what I was prescribed. I wasn't head varsity coach anymore or varsity asst. I was now the freshman head coach with a much lighter schedule. The bottom of my feet and hands hurt 24/7. I still wanted to enjoy my birthday. We went out to dinner at Javier's in Las Vegas with my brother in laws and their wives. Here are some pictures.

Here's coaching my freshman girls. I would take ibuprofen before and during every practice and game. I had 2 of my old varsity players work as my assistant coaches. This worked out well because when I couldn't physically get out on the court and demonstrate/ play with the girls, my older girls (prior players) could. When I'm in the gym it's really the only time my sickness leaves my mind. I'm so tuned into basketball and coaching that my adrenaline gets going I feel physically better. It's when I immediately walk out of the gym it's back full force. It's a crazy thing- don't get me wrong it's still always there but it does subside or I don't notice it has much because I am so focused on something else.  After not being able to jog, run or jump for months I jumped up in a game once trying to demonstrate how to get a rebound and I shocked everyone; myself included. Hitting the ground was immensely painful but for a brief moment I forgot about that pain and leaped into the air. It gave us a good laugh that day. I used to squat down during timeouts to talk to players and this time when I would attempt to; my knees would say: ummm no you can't do that anymore.I've learned to listen to my body. Everyday I learn new limitations, I'm just grateful for the days there are not as many. 🏀🏀👊

Old Lab results

I was looking over one of my very first labs that was taken when I was trying to figure out what was wrong. This was from the visit when I went to urgent care and told them I had very limited use of my hands. The notes read:

27 year old female with hand pain and stiffness

A three view exam shows no evidence of acute bone injury or fracture. There is no evidence of premature degenerative joint disease. The mineralization appears normal. There is no evidence of joint space widening or malalignment. The adajcent bony and soft tissue structures are likewise within normal limits.

I remember you could not so much even touch my hand without the pain making me want to burst in tears. Yet here are the doctors notes. Also, I never noticed this before but I was looking at the labs that they drew that day and my absolute monocyte was at 152L and normal range is 200-950. When I googled about it here's what I found.

A low monocyte count can occur for a variety of reasons, including physical illness, the use of certain medications, or vitamin deficiencies. Illnesses that affect the bone marrow, such as HIV, rheumatoid arthritis, or lupus, are among the most common causes for a low monocyte count. This symptom may also develop as a side effect of some medications or deficiencies in vitamins such as folate and vitamin B-12. Some types of bacterial infections may cause a decrease in this type of white blood cell, although it is more common for infections to develop as a result of the abnormal blood values. Any specific questions or concerns about low numbers of monocytes in an individual situation should be discussed with a doctor or other medical professional.

A monocyte is a type of white blood cell that is produced by the bone marrow and helps to protect the body from foreign invaders, such as harmful bacteria and viruses. When there is a decreased number of monocytes in the blood, the body is more susceptible to illness. In order to create an individualized treatment plan, a doctor may order a variety of diagnostic tests to help determine the exact cause of the low monocyte count.

Did my doctor ever go over this with me or let me know this monocyte was low? No he didn't. You would think when I ask to be referred to rheumatology he would have said yes instantly because of this but neither the urgent care doctor who ordered the labs nor my primary care physician seemed to pay attention to this. If any of you ever feel something is wrong go with your gut even if doctors tell you everything is fine. Keep searching to find answers. I am still on this journey, yes I have found answers as to what my diganoses are but I haven't found complete answers to the root cause or answers to complete healing. I am on that road now.Some of you have private messaged me and shared ideas of certain products to try and I am in the process of researching each of them and when I try them individually I will share with all of you the results.  Continue reading becuase I am almost to the part of my story that happened in 2013 and A LOT happened and I began keeping better records of it all. :)

One of my MANY regimens

I use this detox deodorant a few times a week at night before bed. Read up on your lympathic system and how it works it is quite fascinating but basically our lympathic system is in charge of deciding where to send stuff in our body like to the blood, kidneys, different organs etc. When the body is at war and there are lots of dead soldiers (toxins/bacteria) laying around, the body needs some place to put them. They are sent to the lymph nodes. When your health is bad or your body is at war with itself your lymph nodes can become enlarged or inflamed. Here is one way to detox your lymph nodes that are in your armpits! We have lymph nodes all throughout our bodies!!

Feeling Encouraged: THANK YOU FOR READING AND INQUIRING

Now that I know there are people reading this and even wanting to know more it makes me happy and encouraged. :) THANK YOU to those of you who shared with me that your reading and also that you are praying for my family and I- it means A LOT. Thanks also to those of you who private messaged me and shared information with me. You all have a place in my journey now. :)

Some of the questions people asked after my last post are: What is an everyday day like living with RA?  What is it like to blow dry my hair? etc. So here's a post to answer a few of those questions.

Life has had to be modified quite a bit living with this. I have had to shallow my pride because I have always been a independent person and pride myself on the fact that I can do things on my own. Even battling RA- I have lived with this and suffered for over 7 years now and I am barely beginning to share it with everyone and this has offered me encouragement that I wasn't getting before. :)

Well I believe God always gives us what we need and he did just that. He gave me an incredible daughter and husband. My daughter is the most independent 8 year old I know. This is her personality and it started long before I had RA- she would always say as a toddler," mama I do it myself." This may be TMI but when I was giving labor to her the doctor said," get ready to push one more time... oh nevermind she is wiggling out herself." That explains her in a nutshell she loves to do things herself.

Doing my daughters hair: So Katie asked about when I need to do her hair. Well mornings stopped being do-able for me about a year ago. In preschool and kindergarten I took MJ to school and picked her up everyday. First grade we did a carpool where I would have to take some mornings but I was mostly in charge of pick-ups in the afternoon. Second grade, I have only taken MJ to school a handful of times and it was scary. I would have cars honk at me because I was going too slow bc I couldn't turn the wheel quick enough to make a left hand turn. She would have to help me get my seat belt on and car door opened etc. Makenna does her own hair every morning and she is pretty good at it. She is some what of a perfectionist and likes it just a certain way. On days I feel good or games days when it is later in the day I will ask if I can do her hair and she will say, " no mom I want to."Every now and then I get to and I treasure these moments so much but she has to be patient because it takes me a little longer then it used to.

Blow drying my hair: As far as blow-drying my hair there are days I can and days I can't. There are MANY days where I throw my hair back in a hot mess bun and throw on a hat or a headband. I am ever so grateful for my good friend Liza- shes a hairdresser and she has washed and brushed out my hair for me when it is out of control! I love her and am incredibly thankful for her friendship. :) There was a couple times I couldn't get to her she was out of town or something and my sister's friend Sara did it for me she works at Todd Hamilton Salon.(thank you Sara!!)  I also paid for wash and blow dry a few times at a place by my house. I purchased the lightest blow dryer that there is available at the local beauty store.

Getting Dressed: This is an area I've REALLY had to humblize myself there have been several people who have had to assist me in getting dressed: Liza, Kassidee ( my sis in law), Tamie, Dawn, Bridget ( my sisters),my mom, Fran ( my mother-in law) and Makenna and Carl. I can't really button at all unless I have about 30 minutes to do it and some tweezers. Most days I wear yoga pants and a tank top with a zipped hoodie. The yoga pants have no button, zippers or hooks so I can get them on myself. The tank tops I can pull up over my shoulders instead of trying to get a shirt over my head, to lift my arm is extremely painful bc my shoulders/hands and wrists are some of  my worst RA areas. Fashion is definitely not a priority anymore. Easy and comfort is! I get to dress better on the weekends or Carl's days off because he can help me. 

A little extra: I cannot open most jars. I cannot open water bottles. When we buy water bottles Carl loosens the caps on all of them before we put them in the fridge. I leave the caps off on most of my vitamins, medicines, beauty car products etc. I buy shampoo/conditioner that I can pump and if it doesn't pump I place it between my chin and chest and squeeze it out that way. 

Thanks again for reading and please continue to ask questions and lmk when you read. It is tough to share cause honestly it is my pride I'm trying to overcome. I get embarrassed. I make Carl leave the room on days I can get out of bed on my own but its not very graceful and therefore I don't want him to see. I do have a video of one day getting out of bed because I wanted to see for myself what I look like. I look like the walking dead ( if any of you watch that show) literally. But maybe Ill get the courage to share it in a later post.

The love of a friend.

I'm sharing my journey with you and eventually I will get you all caught up to today but for now I am sharing how I got here. It's a chronological story/adventure so be sure to read my previous post so things don't get confusing. Also every now and again I will jump ahead but that will just be sharing general current frustrations of living and coping with a non-curable disease.

So to get on with the title of this post and picking up from my last post (hopeful in 2010) here it goes:

I meet my current rheumatologist July 7th 2012. She was very pleasant and I was happy my medical group finally had hired a new doctor. So the only rheumatologist visit that had between Jan 2011-July 2012 ( a whole year and half) was that horrible appointment at Loma Linda University. During this year and a half my pain was intense and I wanted anything that could help. One of my very dear closest friends told me that her dad's hairdresser has had great success with an "all-natural," vitamin/supplement that could help with my RA but that it was sold in Mexico but she would get me a bottle.

She stopped over one day and brought it to me. I began taking it and I think it only took about 2 days and I was feeling wonderful! I had an enormous appetite all of a sudden and was able to eat things I normally couldn't without it leaving me bed ridden. I was so happy. I found something that was SAFE and took my pain away. I was ecstatic. I got online and ordered 2 more bottles for around $70. I wanted to share this amazing product with more people! Since everything on the bottle was written in a foreign language I decided to get online and find out the information on it. Here'e what I found:

http://www.nutraingredients-usa.com/Regulation/FDA-All-natural-dietary-supplement-Reumofan-Plus-contains-prescription-drugs


Talk about bursting my bubble. The combination of everything in this was more harmful (not to mention also more expensive) then my prescription drugs. However, the prescription drug (plaquenil) was not being as effective as it had before I'm not sure if my body built up an immunity toward it or what.

At my appointment in July 2012 my doctor proscribed me methotrexate.

Methotrexate: 

Medical uses

Chemotherapy 

Methotrexate was originally developed and continues to be used for chemotherapy either alone or in combination with other agents. It is effective for the treatment of a number of cancers including: breast, head and neck, leukemia, lymphoma, lung, osteosarcoma, bladder, and trophoblastic neoplasms.^[1]

Autoimmune disorders

It is used as a treatment for some autoimmune diseases, including rheumatoid arthritis, Juvenile dermatomyositis, psoriasis, psoriatic arthritis, lupus, sarcoidosis, Crohn's disease, eczema, and many forms of vasculitis. Although methotrexate was originally designed as a chemotherapy drug (in high doses), in low doses methotrexate is a generally safe and well tolerated drug in the treatment of certain autoimmune diseases. Because of its effectiveness, low-dose methotrexate is now first-line therapy for the treatment of rheumatoid arthritis. Though methotrexate for autoimmune diseases is taken in lower doses than it is for cancer, side effects such as hair loss, nausea, headaches, and skin pigmentation are still common.^[10][11] Though not everybody is responsive to treatment with methotrexate, multiple studies and reviews showed that the majority of patients receiving methotrexate for up to one year had less pain, functioned better, had fewer swollen and tender joints, and had less disease activity overall as reported by themselves and their doctors. X-rays also showed that the progress of the disease slowed or stopped in many patients receiving methotrexate.^[12]
It has also been used for multiple sclerosis but is not approved by the Food and Drug Administration.^[1]

Abortion

Methotrexate is commonly used (generally in combination with misoprostol) to terminate pregnancies during the early stages (i.e., as an abortifacient). It is also used to treat ectopic pregnancies.

She explained that I would have to take folic acid while on this that I CANNOT get pregnant because it would be harmful to the baby and I will likely have hair loss and oral ulcers. I was also proscribed prednisone that day. Here are some of the side effects of it:

Major

• Increased blood sugar for diabetics
• Difficulty controlling emotion
• Difficulty in maintaining train of thought
• Weight gain
• Immunosuppression
• Facial swelling. Severe.
• Depression, mania, psychosis, or other psychiatric symptoms
• Unusual fatigue or weakness
• Mental confusion / indecisiveness
• Memory and attention dysfunction (Steroid dementia syndrome)
• Blurred vision
• Abdominal pain
• Peptic ulcer
• Painful hips or shoulders
• Steroid-induced osteoporosis
• Stretch marks
• Osteonecrosis
• Insomnia
• Severe joint pain ( what?!?)
• Cataracts or glaucoma
• Anxiety
• Black stool
• Stomach pain or bloating
• Severe swelling
• Mouth sores or dry mouth
• Avascular necrosis
• Hepatic steatosis

^[14]

Minor

• Nervousness
• Acne
• Skin rash
• Appetite gain
• Hyperactivity
• Increased thirst
• Frequent urination
• Diarrhea
• Reduced intestinal flora
• Leg pain/cramps
• Sensitive teeth

These hardcore drugs scare me and some of the side effects are the exact thing I am trying to get relief from (ie: severe joint pain). I subscribe to a magazine called Arthritis Today. It had an article on the reumofan plus scam shortly after I had discovered it wasn't what it claimed to be. I'm still grateful for the relief I had while taking it not knowing any better but I had to stop; it has steroids in it and it was more harmful then beneficial in the long run. I was putting on weight like crazy too. I'm thankful for my friend and people who think of me and try to help. I just learned I need to do a little research before I put anything in my body. I still have those 2 bottles in my cupbaord and every now and again I am tempted to take them because I WANT TO FEEL NORMAL AGAIN!! Thanks for reading!! And just because I am curious please hit like on my facebook if you read this. Thanks so much :)

Everyday Frustrations

This morning my husband went to a friends house to help him do some yard work. I was home with my daughter, every morning is hard to move. She knows that she is pretty much on her own as far as breakfast goes if its just her and I home. But by lunch time usually I can do more.

Today, she asked me to make her mac and cheese. Normally, I do not even like for her to eat processed crap but whenever I can't drive and cooking raw is hard I give into whatever is "easy". So I boiled the noodles and when it came time to strain them I tried all these modifications to try and get the water out. It wasn't really happening and since I didn't have the strength to lift the pot from the stove to the sink I sort-of slid it over and dropped the pot over the strainer, it didn't happen gracefully but I was able to strain the noodles. Even tho it took me twice as long as the average person and a lil brainstorming I was happy I was able to do that. Then it came time to squeeze the cheese, it wasn't happening no strength again, I got what I could out and hoped my daughter wouldn't notice the lack of cheese.

Next, I tried to empty some of the silverware from the dishwasher but when I was attempting to lift the container that holds them to the counter I dropped it and all the silverware went all over the kitchen floor. Today was a day where it was too painful to bend over and pick anything up off the ground. So I just began to cry. Every now and then it just gets to me and I need to let out some tears. Luckily my husband walked in the door in time to serve my daughter the mac in cheese in her bowl because that was my next challenge- getting the bowl from the cupboard and having strength to scoop it into her bowl. I am so grateful for my husband.

Hopeful in 2010

In one of my previous post I talked about how when you have a sickness you take medication and once the symotoms go away you stop the meds right?

Well since my plaquenil medication was helping I thought I could stop now. Although it does not operate as a pain killer, RA- the disease itself operates like cancer in the way that is can go into remission and become inactive for a duration of time. I was (and still am) HOPEFUL that it would do just that! So every time I would begin feeling better I thought perhaps I was going into remission and I didn't need to depend on meds. I would tell my doctor and he told me that instead of taking 200 mg a day go down to 150. Yay!

However when I cut down on my meds I would always end up back in the doctors office before my next follow up due to disability/chronic pain. Usually begging to be injected with cortisone. :/

April 14 2010 was one of these appointments. Doctor noted:  " she is having more pain again, primarily in her left ankle, left knee and second MCP joint. She has been to the eye clinic. She has had hair loss and occasional rashes. There is slight tenderness and swelling over the left ankle. Perhaps a little swelling in the medical malleolar area. ASSESSMENT: Rheumatoid arthritis, flaring 2. no signs of medication toxicity
PLAN: I told her to go ahead and increase her plaquenil back to 200 mg, she seems to flare everytime we reduce the dose. Further evaluation is warranted although I will limit this to x-rays of her left knee, hands, and left ankle. Follow-up will be in 3 mos time. Certainly, if there are any erosions developing on her x-rays methotrexate will be considered. "

In January 2011 was the last time I saw my ORIGINAL rheumatologist. I received another cortisone shot that day and he retired a little later that year. My medical group took a while to hire on a new rheumatologist so during this time I was in a lot of pain, I couldn't get my prescription renewed because there was no one to approve it. I had to go out of network to Loma Linda university to see a rheumatologist there so that he could proscribe me my medication. This appointment was HORRIBLE, I saw a student doctor for most of my appointment and this was the one who told me that I DIDN'T have RA. Yes, he had the audacity to tell me I didn't have a disease that I was DIGANOSED with, and showed in my records and bloodwork. I was currently suffering from it a great deal which is why I was in his office. I couldn't believe what I was hearing from this intern doctor.  He also told me that I has psoriasis. I left that day with no prescription filled, loss of $30 co-pay and time wasted. :(

About the rashes...

In my last post I told you about the rashes being annoying to deal with and some of my friends have asked haven't you always had rashes. The answer is yes I had eczema ever since I was 6 years old but these rashes are different. My eczema was always just in my creases I would get it in my arm folds and behind my knees. I knew what would bring it on and how to manage it by the time I was 23 I had it completely controlled and rarely ever had a breakout and if I did I knew why ( ie: staying in sun too long without sunscreen.)

The rashes from med and/or the disease itself are worse and can come in many different forms. They can also take place anywhere on my body. The one that I have the most often is on my hands and it's painful to wash my hands because soap/lotion/hot water burns. And currently I have it on my eye lids it's not very fun. 

Pictures of the early years living with RA on medication

 Here is the teams I coached during these years.

Varsity Girls Basketball 

CVHS

                          I only lasted like 30secs but I could 
                               somewhat still grip back then.                               I could jump

 

This is at Hume Lake New Years Eve 2010.This trip I began needing more assistance from my husband. It was

cold so my joints were more stiff and he had to help me get around a lot for the 3 days we 

were there.

San Diego weekend trip

First Day of Preschool and I drove her there myself. Early mornings were do-able then.

Lil Bro and Sis

Life on Medication

During these years from the remainder of 2008 -2010 life was pretty good. I was still able to do holidays, throw my daughter a birthday party on my own, go on family vacations, continue coaching etc. I just had to deal with the side effects from the medication which in consideration to others that are on it mine were relatively mild, except for the rash. The most common side effects of plaquenil are hair loss, mouth sores and rashes. Over a longer period of time it starts to affect your eye sight and when your on the medication you are required to see the eye doctor every 6 months and eventually every 3 months.

The rash is what was the worse for me and it also cause skin discoloration- it gives your skin a gray color tan when you expose yourself to the sun. My rheumatologist told me to stay out of the sun. I had mild hair loss but I have plenty to spare so the only reason I noticed it because hair was all over my house. I also got mouth sores but only like 3x's over the 2 years. Like I said before the rashes were the worst of it I would get all different kinds and all over my body some were painful and some were not, one doctor at Loma Linda told me I had psoriasis. Psoriasis is a long-term (chronic) skin problem that causes skin cells to grow too quickly, resulting in thick, white, silvery, or red patches of skin. I may have but either way it was a result of medication. Itchy, flakey, dry skin was just something I learned to live with regularly.

Here's some pic of me and my family:

 Me and my daughter at San Diego Wild Animal Park.

 Me and my Delta College friends at Homecoming. I went to the football game but didn't go out after with friends because my feet were in bad pain and I was fatigued.

 Casey's ( my bro in law) rehearsal dinner. This was summer of 2009.

 This was for Mj's 3rd birthday. I remember being tired but I was able to throw her a party and I am so grateful! :) ( Sometimes the worst part about this disease is you don't look how you feel and its not something people can see.)

 This is at Casey's wedding Summer 2009

 Family Camp in the Cold Hume Lake

Family Vacation to Orange City Iowa to watch Uncle Cary play football

at Northwestern University. 

Here's video of pictures of some of my rashes. Sorry its poor quality :/ The first pic show white patches on

my arms. The 2nd shoes a raised red rash and the last one is tiny dots all over. These pictures are more recent my rashes were much worse back in 2010 but I didn't think to take pictures then.

After the realization began to sink in...

I now had to accept the fact that I had an active disease in my body but I still was treating it like it was the flu or something. I felt like I would take my medicine feel better and then stop taking my medicine. After all with every sickness that I ever had before I would stop my medicine once I felt better. That's how it works right?

I began taking plaquenil 2x's a day as the doctor had proscribed. He told me that it would take a while to work because unlike a pain killer it is a immune system suppressant that will take  approximately 4-6 weeks before I notice a difference. That is exactly what happened, about 4 and half weeks after beginning my medication I was starting to feel better and I was able to go back to my somewhat "normal" life.

I was a mother, a wife, substitute teacher and I also coached high school girls basketball. I was thankful for answers at least and I was happy that I was getting relief and at that time I was able to live as I wanted (for the most part) being dependent upon this medication.

The Beginning

My name is Hollie and I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis when I was 27 years old. My daughter was 2 years old at the time she is 8 now. This year in September I'll be married 10 years! Here's how it all began...

In October 2007 I started waking up in the middle of the night from joint stiffness/pain in my hands, they would curl up and I couldn't get them " unlocked." It was extremely painful and I was scared and didn't know what was taking over my body. I began duck taping my hands before bed at night so they wouldn't curl up. I was worried but figured it would go away. A few weeks later it spread to my feet and it felt like I was walking on nails when I would get out of bed in the morning. I mentioned it to my husband but we just thought it would go away eventually. I lived with the pain on a daily a basis and it kept getting worse.

Eventually in December 2007 I decided to go my primary care physician and tell him about my extreme pain. I asked if he thought it could be Rheumatoid Arthritis and he said and I quote from his doctor notes, " I assured the patient that she does not have Rheumatoid Arthritis." I continued to try and function and take care of my toddler while living with horrible pain.

A few months later I went to urgent care and told them I can no longer care for my daughter well. She had to open her sippy cup, pour her own drinks, buckle her car seat etc.  I wasn't   capable and I NEEDED TO KNOW WHAT WAS WRONG!!! The urgent care doctor took x-rays and said everything was normal. AHHH, I was getting so frustrated.

In February 2008 I demanded that I be referred to the rheumatalogist with reluctency my doctor referred me. When I finally had my appointment in May ( yes it took 3 months before I could actually see him) the doctor examined me noticed swelling in my hands and said its most likely carpel tunnel from overuse and this is common in women with young children. I knew in my mind it was more - my pain was off the charts how could it be something so small?  He said he will run labs and find out for sure, he also mentioned it could be a  thyroid issue and let's hope for the most positive outcome.

At my next appointment he said my Rheumatoid Factor came back positive at 74. I was officially diagnosed with RA and it was off the charts. As I left the office the tears began running down my face, this was something I was going to have to live with forever? I thought they would be able to figure out what was wrong fix it and I could move forward with my life. The realization that I would have an ongoing battle was a bit overwhelming for me. I was angry and I felt guilty, I felt robbed, I didn't want this to be my life. This was only the beginning...